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Writing 101: Day Four, Serially Lost

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Dear Hannah,

I remember the day that I first saw you on the ultrasound. Being our third child, we didn’t want to be surprised about whether you would be our son or our daughter. However, you had your own ideas as you kept your tiny little legs clamped together the entire ultrasound. Your Grandma commented that your profile in the ultrasound photo looked just like your brother J, more like your Dad’s side of the family. We would find out much too soon that she was right.

Even though we couldn’t be sure from that one test that you were a little girl, I knew. I knew you were going to be my Hannah from the moment that I knew about your existence.

I remember one night while working, your normally tiny little flutter became one giant kick. I actually grabbed my stomach and commented about you letting me know that you were there. I didn’t know at the time that it would be the last time that I felt you move. I believe now that you were saying goodbye.

Later that night, I felt that something was not quite right. It wasn’t anything physical with me, just a feeling about you. Since I worked on a labor and delivery unit, we listened for your heartbeat. They reassured me that you were still so very small and it was nothing to worry about when we didn’t hear your heartbeat. I wanted to believe them. But, I knew.

A couple days later, I went to my normal appointment. The girls at work had already warned my doctor. He asked me why I didn’t talk to him sooner. At 22 weeks, what could he have done? I was in denial and waiting allowed me to hold onto you for a bit longer.

He sent me to the hospital for another ultrasound. She excused herself from the room. My worst fears were quietly confirmed in that moment. Dr. L burst into the room a few moments later. He grabbed ahold of me and told me how sorry that he was. I was crushed. Truthfully, I still am!

I was admitted to labor and delivery to be induced. The girls that I worked with took care of me. Our pastor came to see me. The medication made me very sick. At some points, I became delirious. Your Dad even had to carry me to the bathroom a few times. He witnessed me at my worst.

But, I always knew that God was with me. I remember during the labor that I looked to the doorway and saw my friend and her sister in law standing in the doorway holding hands. They were surrounded by bright white light. Later, I would learn that they did not visit but they had prayed for me.

You came into this world with your amniotic sac intact. Grandma kept me from seeing when they cut the sac open and you emerged. They announced what I already knew, “it’s a girl.” The nurse, my friend, told me that you looked like your brother, J. Dr. L noted 3 kinks in your cord where you had twisted around. One looked as if someone had actually placed a hemostat on it. They hadn’t.

After they took care of business … weighed you, measured you, foot printed you & took your photo, I held you. You were so tiny. Your skin was so fragile and dark. Someone took our photo as a family. Those photos became lost at the hospital. Your hair was just fuzz, so we couldn’t take a keepsake lock.

Since you fell below the weight where you had to be buried, my doctor offered to “take care of you” for us. I was in shock and let your father decide. I regret that. I cannot get the vision of you floating in a white bucket in formaldehyde out of my mind. But, to be honest, I am not sure the vision of you nestled in a tiny coffin underground would be any better. And when we left Texas, I would have had to leave you behind.

Once we went home from the hospital, we tried to go back to normal … for your brother’s sake. But, nothing ever goes back to normal after losing your baby. Nothing!

** I have combined two posts today into one. My last day for the Black and White Photo 5 Day Challenge AND today’s assignment for the Writing 101 class on Blogging U.

Today’s Prompt: Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.

Today’s twist: Make today’s post the first in a three-post series.

Part Two Coming Soon!

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About nonnymoose2014

I have recently retired from the healthcare field, nursing. As I try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, this seemed like the perfect time to try my hand at blogging again. In the past, my success (or lack thereof) I believe hinged on my fear of revealing too much about myself. I have a desire to “put it all out there” BUT I want to do it on my own terms … anonymously! Thus came Nonny Moose.

9 responses »

  1. I do not know the loss of a child, thankfully, but my heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. Today is my son’s 21st birthday. He was born with the cord around his neck and had trouble breathing during delivery. The monitor kept going way down. He was our third but I still remember the terror. Many blessings to you…my heart goes out to you. hugs, lily

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    Reply
    • Having a baby is such a joyous event but labors do not always go as smoothly as we’d like. It can be terrifying for all involved! I hate that you all had to go through that experience! But, I am so glad that you shared your story with me! Thank you for stopping by and for your kind words! Happy belated birthday to your son, lilypup.

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  4. Having lost 4 babies at approximately 20 – 26 weeks i cried when i read this . Both my girls were premises and I am thankful I had them. It was found that i had (not sure proper word ) but i have a double uterus . When my youngest dr. Was about three and a half she came to me and said “god made me but i was too small so he made me again and here i am” She sounded so sure and I freaked out tried to ask her questions but she just said I am here mom.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Oh Donna, I cannot imagine losing 4 babies! One completely tore me to pieces! But, your daughter’s comment gave me chill bumps! After I lost my daughter, I went through a period of infertility. I did finally have my third son about 5 years after Hannah. When he was very young, he said, “I picked you.” When I said you did, did you? He said “God let me pick and I picked you!” Wow! It is a blessing to be his Mom. What an honor to be chosen!

      Liked by 2 people

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