The other night, I had another crazy dream. This is nothing new for me. I am a big dreamer and they are always very strange!
My friend (and co-worker) had been talking about whether we would ever return to labor and delivery work that week, so I attributed the dream to that. She, however, had another thought.
The dream …
I was lying on the floor of some unknown room delivering a baby. My OB doctor delivered the baby. He cut the cord really long. We never discussed if it was a boy or girl. I wrapped the baby up in a really large soft fluffy blanket and then suddenly I was at a parade. I was still holding the baby in this huge blanket. Someone came up and asked to see the blanket (I didn’t see a face and didn’t feel like I knew the person) They took the blanket for a little while. When they handed the blanket back, I began digging in this large blanket pulling at long trails of it. I couldn’t find the baby. I became frantic, yelling that the baby was gone. They took the baby. I woke up shaken!
My history …
In 1992, I had a stillborn baby. My only daughter. She was only 21 weeks. I cried for her. My husband didn’t want to talk about it. So, we didn’t. I went back to work in OB. Life went on. In 2008, I had a breakdown. All those emotions and feelings that we ignored came rushing back. The doctor called it depression & PTSD. It took me almost 3 years to get myself and my life back together.
My friend’s interpretation …
This dream was me continuing to deal with my feeling of loss over the baby. While us talking about working OB may have triggered it. She feels like it in no way had to do with work.
We have recently had 2 other friends diagnosed with PTSD. None have ever served in the military. None have ever been in a war. Trauma comes in all forms and to varying degrees. It’s after effect rears it’s ugly head at times when it is unexpected. Unwanted.
My friend was right. Again I wanted to ignore it. To go on with my life as I have always done. We talked about it. I’m ok.